Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
