It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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