Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
