either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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