I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
