Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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