So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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