if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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