Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
