Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
