I will die if light touches me.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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