I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
