How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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