Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
