I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
