I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
