im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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