in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
