he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
