watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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