I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
