I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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