She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize