Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
