So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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