In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We have so much sex to catch up on
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
