i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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