Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
