I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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