Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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