we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My life is pants optional.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
