Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
