Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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