we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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