I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I need a burrito and a hug.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
