It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
