The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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