we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
