just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
