the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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