Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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