he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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