Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
