there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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