she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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