there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
