I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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