Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
