The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
