I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize