I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
