I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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