Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
