Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
