If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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