I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
