the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
