my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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